SHOCKING: PRESIDENT TRUMP DECLARES BITCOIN U.S. GOVERNMENT’S NEW INFALLIBLE GOLD!
"From This Day Forward, NEVER Sell Your Bitcoin!" shouts President Trump, igniting a revolution at the inaugural White House Crypto Summit! Forget everything you thought you knew — TRUMP has come down hard on past mistakes, declaring, "America will hoard Bitcoin as its precious asset and NEVER part ways with it again!"
A NEW ERA: THE STRATEGIC BITCOIN RESERVE
In a jaw-dropping announcement, President Trump revealed the birth of a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve (SBR) — a hedge against past administrations’ reckless sales that wiped out up to 200,000 bitcoins! Yes, you read that right, BILLIONS lost! Trump snapped, "Foolishness of the past ends today!" Under his watch, every single bitcoin will be held tight — forever!
And there’s MORE! Trump’s power players, including the Treasury and Commerce departments, will be on a Bitcoin acquisition SPREE — and they swear it won’t cost YOU a dime. "We don’t want any cost to the taxpayers!" the President promised, sticking it to the past and paving a wealthy future.
STAR-STUDDED GUESTS: CRYPTO ROYALTY IN THE HOUSE!
The summit wasn’t just another day at the office — it was a dealer’s table of crypto heavy-hitters! Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick hobnobbed with industry legends like Michael Saylor, Brian Armstrong and the Winklevoss twins. With Trump’s newfound zeal for crypto, it’s clear the White House is all-in on digital currency!
Even Crypto Czar David Sacks gushed about the breakneck speed at which this administration is reforming the crypto landscape. "Faster than any startup!" he cheered. Can you say Tidal Wave of Change?!
STABLECOINS RULE, BITCOIN CHERISHED!
Hold your horses! While the Bitcoin fanfare flowed, the dollar was carefully tucked in its safe. The summit made it crystal clear: stablecoins will reign as a currency, while Bitcoin becomes the new gold standard for saving! "We’re putting serious thought into our stablecoin regime," Bessent declared.
But don’t fret — Trump has a plan to catapult America into the crypto future, ensuring the U.S. dollar stays KING! Bessent bragged, “Trump is creating assets for Americans while others created DEBT!” Mic drop!
MYSTERIES UNTOUCHED: WHAT WE DIDN’T HEAR
But not everything was sunshine and rainbows. In a turn of events, the summit skirted crucial issues like the capital gains tax on crypto sales, and we’re still left in the dark about the audits of U.S. Marshals and the security of the new Bitcoin stash. With roasting questions left unanswered, some critics raised eyebrows.
A TURNING POINT IN HISTORY!
Despite the unanswered questions, this day was historic! Brian Armstrong from Coinbase heralded it as a “BREATHTAKING moment for crypto!” The era of oppression is OVER, and a new dawn has arrived with President Trump, the most pro-crypto president in history! A celebration is in order!
"Congress is ON IT with crypto legislation," Armstrong pumped with excitement. So, buckle up, America! It’s time to ride this Bitcoin train straight to the MOON!
